Woodchips
Throughout the day – with Kamp - there always seems to be an air of tension that never goes away. During the day, I’m not even aware I’m so tense until he’s beautifully asleep and the tension disappears; I can actually feel my body relax. Part of that is because children with autism become very obsessed over seemingly random things, which explains why I have a bald spot in my carpet. Kamp noticed that the carpet wasn’t perfectly lined up, so he made the only logical choice and picked out the piece that was longer, which of course pulled another one up. He couldn’t let that happen so he picked out another and so on, and so on, and on, and on! Now I have a patch of carpet missing. So whatever it is, whether it’s slamming doors 
over and over
again, or pushing out window screens, or making holes in our walls – he’s always fixated on something.
I think his favorite fixation has ALWAYS been woodchips. The boy loves those damn woodchips! If we are in our yard he has to dump them all over our hose box, or throw them down the window well. Everytime we go to the park and there are wood chips he has a ritual of making a line of woodchips around the entire playground before he can go play.
Last week we were at the park, and he was doing what he always does, making the line with those woodchips. 
He was so content and focused on his little ritual when a little boy came up and decided it looked fun and wanted to help. Kamp got a look of pure panic and he started moving faster and faster to get his job done. The little boy went to the middle of Kamp’s line and wiped a bunch of wood chips off. Kamp saw him and …….LOST IT! He starts screaming, shoved the little boy and frantically tried to fix the horrible injustice! He realized it was beyond repair and started scraping off the woodchips while screaming his lungs out.
I helped the little boy up, made sure he was okay and took him back to his Dad, all the while recieving evil glares from other parents around the playgound. I helped Kamp up and then did what Jesse and I call “the walk of shame.” It’s where we walk away after an awkward situation with Kamp and feel stabbing glares at our back. It feels horrible and I wish everyone just knew, but I can’t control what other people think, just like I can’t control the fact that my son won’t eat meat, won’t wear a regular swim suit (he has to wear a speedo), or the fact that he LOVES those damn wood chips!
I gotta wear my speedo too!
June 19, 2011 at 6:24 pm
You Rock!
June 19, 2011 at 9:20 pm
You are amazing for sharing your experience!
June 20, 2011 at 1:20 am
I like your post! I’m writing about trying to build an inclusive playground here: http://www.muirautismplayproject.com and have decided that wood chips are definitely NOT the way to go. Thanks for that insight.
June 20, 2011 at 1:47 am
I think every parent understands the walk of shame, you’re my hero for handling everything so well… Love ya girl!!
June 20, 2011 at 3:42 am
I remember him liking those wood chips when we went to that park in Orem. Did you have to quickly explain to the dad that he has autism? Or do you not bother?
June 20, 2011 at 11:09 pm
Thank you so much for writing this. You are such a strong woman. You have no idea how many brownie points you are collecting in heaven!
June 21, 2011 at 3:07 am
Beth, I love the title of your blog. And I love your desire to keep fighting. I struggle with depression. There are times when I am in a hole so black and deep that I can’t see the light and it just doesn’t seem worth it to crawl out. There are days I don’t. But for the sake of my children, I make it out (usually). There are days that I just want to stay home and hide from the world. I imagine that dealing with Kamp is like that in some ways. There are days when it’s easier to stay home than do the walk of shame. Bless you for fighting for him and your other kids and your hubby and you. Bless you and Jesse for being the shield that absorbs the daggers to protect your son.
June 21, 2011 at 6:06 pm
First of all there is nothing wrong with sporting a Speedo. I wish I had the confidence to rock one! Secondly, all those other parents need to lighten up. . . . don’t you guys EVER do a walk of shame. People need to just realize that things aren’t always what they seem, and assume the best in people. I would rather walk a thousand “walk of shame”s than be so judgemental. Not saying I am perfect, but I think it is a worse lot to be the judgmental person, than the person doing the walk. It’s not easy I am sure, but you guys see the world in a different light from much of the rest of us, and it is probably a better viewpoint. Certainly a wiser one. Kamp sounds like a cool kid. He is lucky to have good parents who can laugh in the face of adversity. Autism. There are worse problems a kid have in the world than autism. I am sure it is a painful road at times, but when it comes down to it, it’s a condition. It’s not a habit, it’s not an addiction, it’s something that can’t be helped. . . . and you just gotta roll with it, and keep your chin up I guess. Easier said than done I am sure, and I am proud of your little family. I think it’s cool.
June 21, 2011 at 6:25 pm
Ditto to everything Ben said! You’re amazing, Beth!
July 8, 2011 at 5:33 am
Walk of shame….yeah., that one sucks. Nice reading something so close to my heart. Keep it up. Seriously the next time you are in town we should get together!
June 21, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Beth you are amazing to handle it with such grace, I love kamp, I had to laugh so hard totally can see him fix on that what a cutie! Love this blog! Keep up the great work you are doing, I’m so honored to know kamp and your sweet family!
June 22, 2011 at 1:54 am
I love the pictures you post of Kamp. He is such a beautiful boy!
July 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm