This Sunday my “Kampy” turns five. I can’t believe he’s already five and starting kindergarten. My, how time flies! I have been thinking about this birthday for awhile. Wrapping my head around the fact that I have a little guy who is about to start school and STILL doesn’t speak is difficult.
When you have a baby you can’t help but imagine what their future holds and all the things you want for them. It seems like every time Kamp’s birthday comes around I start thinking about how the older he gets, and the further behind he falls, the less likely those dreams will ever happen for him; sometimes it’s hard letting go.
There are days – bad days – when I find myself sitting alone imagining what our life would be like if Kampbell didn’t have autism. What if he could talk to me and tell me all the things that are on his mind? The tears inevitably start flowing and I find myself mourning once again – for all the dreams I had for him when we first met.
We usually do a “friend” party when our kids turn five. We started discussing Kamp’s b-day and thought, “Who should we invite?” He doesn’t really have any friends, and as much as I would like to think he doesn’t care, I’m not sure that’s true. I have watched him try – in his own way – to interact with other children and FAIL miserably. After a failed attempt, he retreats and goes back into his own little world. I desperately want him to tell me how that makes him feel, but he can’t – and my heart breaks for him.
As I sit imagining him without autism – if I were being completely honest with myself – I’d have to imagine a COMPLETELY different person. A big part of what makes Kamp, Kamp is his autism. The way he thinks and views the world – I love it! It’s honest and clear. He can see things without the blinders that many of us put on and accept.
I realize that all this is a process and the mourning comes a little at a time and continues as he gets older. I love him more fiercely than I could’ve ever thought possible. He may not have kids his age that he can call a friend but he will ALWAYS have a friend in Jesse, Hadley, Max and me.
To quote Kamp’s favorite song, ” Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am, bigger and stronger, too. But none of them will EVER love you the way I do. IT’S ME AND YOU BOY!! And as the years go by, our friendship will never die. You’re gonna see it’s our destiny. You gotta friend in me.”
So, Happy Birthday Puppy!!! We love you with all our hearts!